I Have a Heart (I Swear I Do)
by freeProphe
Summary: Madge thinks she'd rather Peeta didn't know how she felt about him, but all the same she's glad she doesn't have to try to explain herself.


**I Have a Heart [I Swear I Do]**

**by freeProphe**

The first time Madge kisses him, he's eleven years old, and he had a fresh bruise on his cheek from another failed batch of bread. He'd come to her, near crying, stuttering something like, "I don't understand what I'm doing _wrong._"

She hates when he blames himself, so she presses her lips to his. There's a moment where they're frozen there, trying to understand the warmth and foreign pressure –then she pulls away, flushing.

"Sorry," she murmurs.

"Um. . . it's. . .fine, really," he mumbles back. His cheeks are stained a rosy red, which makes the bruise stand out, stark against his skin. She frowns at the mark, but a little smile forms on her lips when she realizes she kissed a boy. She hasn't done that before.

"Good!" she exclaims. She springs up from the ground, grinning. She pats her dress down, brushing miniscule amounts of dirt from the fabric. "I'll see you later, Peeta!"

She skips away from him, and doesn't turn around when he returns her goodbye.

* * *

She kisses other boys (and girls) over the next five years. Sometimes she thinks about her first kiss, but she hardly talks to Peeta anymore, and it's not like she'd liked him or anything. She just hated when he looked so sad and small.

Really, though, she doesn't think about Peeta much. Not until she's standing, nervous, during the Reaping, and Effie calls his name. He makes his way up the little stage, and he looks just as scared and helpless and sad that he did when he was younger. The fear in his eyes hurts.

She doesn't go to see him before he leaves. Instead, she fools around with Alec Hagarty, a blonde boy from school, and she pretends his brown eyes are Peeta's.

* * *

She watches the Games, and she sees how much Katniss Everdeen means to him. There's true love in his eyes when he looks at her, and it's clear how devoted he feels toward her. She remembers holding him after his mother had beat him 'til he bled, and he had looked at her in the same way. Smiling, thankful, loving.

She has sex for the first time that night. It's uncomfortable and too rough and he comes in under three minutes. She leaves after he passes out next to her, and she thinks she'd be happy to never have to talk to him again.

* * *

He's not the same after the Games. He moves into his free house without much fanfare, and then she doesn't see him for months. She thinks maybe she shouldn't be keeping such close tabs on someone who she doesn't have any standing relationship with.

That doesn't stop her from knocking on his door one night, foolish and lonely and hopeful. He doesn't come to the door.

Instead, she steals a bottle of whiskey from Haymitch's cellar, and drinks until she passes out on her bedroom floor.

She's surprised when Katniss of all people confronts her about her behavior. They knew each other, sure, but they weren't really friends, and she had always assumed Katniss could care less about what happened to her.

"Madge," she says, quiet and serious,"there have been a lot of people talking. About you."

"Really?" Madge answers in a sigh. "I'm getting sick of it."

"Are you okay?" Katniss asks, instead of slapping her.

Madge takes a moment to consider her answer. She could lie, and Katniss would stop talking to her, but she was too lonely to purposefully send someone away. She could be rude and avoid the question, and then maybe Katniss would hate her. Or she could spill her stupid feelings to someone who might, at the very least, understand.

"Not really," she says at last. She can feel the tears stinging her eyes, and her throat burns when she suppresses them. "It's. . . I don't know. There's this guy. I've known him for a. . .really long time. We were friends, but I haven't talked to him in a long time. He was my first kiss, actually, but he didn't mean anything to me, you know? I never even liked him past friends. But lately I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't know why. And I hate not knowing why."

"Oh," Katniss says after a long pause.

Just, 'oh.'

And then:

"You have a crush on Peeta?"

Madge's face burns, because she'd been trying to avoid even thinking that sentence. But she nods, because she needs to stop lying to herself, and then she tells Katniss about all of the things that she'd been up to in the past year.

* * *

And just like that, Madge and Katniss are friends. It's good for both of them, because Katniss only had Gale and her family to talk to, and Madge had isolated herself from everyone. They talk about typical girl things, and about Katniss's hunting, and about everything else they could possibly think of. They're not very similar, Madge and Katniss, but their friendship just works.

They don't talk about Peeta or Gale or any of the people Madge has had sex with, because it's all just a reminder of how much they've both failed themselves.

But Katniss will talk to her about everything else, and that's all Madge really needs.

* * *

Somehow, even through their unspoken agreement, they end up talking about Peeta.

"Peeta says that he loves me," Katniss says out of nowhere. "It's not that I don't believe him, because he's said it enough to convince me. It's just that. . . I don't think I feel exactly the same, and I don't want him to wait for me. And if it turns out that I do, somehow. . . love him, and I just don't realize it, I want him to have had time to live."

"So why don't you tell him that?" Madge asks in lieu of crying. "It's better to explain yourself than to send mixed signals. Just say, 'I need time to work out my feelings.' You can't force yourself to love him, after all. And if you try, you'll both get hurt. Explain everything to him, and then ask for him to just give you some space for awhile. If he really loves you, he'll understand."

"I guess so," Katniss says. Then, "I asked him about you."

"Okay," Madge says, purposely slow and even. "What did he say?"

"That you guys were friends a long time ago. That he hadn't seen you around in a long time. That you'd. . . kissed him, once. He thought you were trying to make him feel better."

"And did it?" Madge asks. "Did it make him feel better?"

"No," Katniss hesitates to reply. "He said if it had been me, it might have."

They don't talk about Peeta after that, and their unspoken agreement is back. Instead they talk about family and how to do a fishtail braid, and that night Madge buries her face in a pillow and screams until her throat feels raw.

* * *

Peeta sits next to her on the ground, carefully arranging his prosthetic for maximum comfort. It's late fall, and she's in a thin nightgown. He wordlessly covers her with his thick jacket.

"I was talking to Katniss," he says.

"What about?" Madge asks, sniffling. "I'm sure it was _enlightening_."

"I asked her to marry me," he explains quietly. "But you already knew that."

"Yeah, she called a little while ago. Congratulations," she says, but her voice breaks on the last word. She's trembling, and it has little to do with the cold.

Peeta's blue eyes are swimming with concern, but it's the understanding that kills her. She thinks she'd be happier if he didn't know, but at least now she doesn't need to explain anything to him.

He could say anything to her now. He could criticize her for her recent behavior, he could mock her for the feelings she had, or he could get angry over the fact that they'd been best friends until she decided to ignore him.

Instead, he says, "Thank you." She turns towards him, one brow raised in surprise. She opens her mouth to ask what kind of idiot says 'thank you' so earnestly when he's being insulted, but he holds up a hand to stop her.

"All those years ago. . . you stuck by me when no one else did. You were the only one who was there for me when my mother got violent, and you tried to get to know me even when other people could care less about who I really was. You're a good friend, you know. To me, and especially to Katniss. And even though I can't be what you want, you're still important to me."

He doesn't say anything when she starts to cry, he just holds her. It's not enough, it never will be, but it's more than she deserves.

* * *

She goes to the wedding, because Katniss is her friend, and what kind of friend skips out on a wedding? She looks away when they kiss, and her eyes catch Gale Hawthorne's. He smiles at her, bittersweet, and she remembers that he loves Katniss.

She walks up to him after the ceremony, and smiles at her again. When he propositions her, she looks into his stormy eyes, and she sees in them what she sees every day in the mirror. She smiles back, brokenly, because everyone deserves a second chance.

She grabs his hand and they walk away together. She doesn't look back.

* * *

**So yeah, have some awkward fic. It's AU and a little weird and I don't think anyone was vaguely in character. I also didn't plan it at all. I was listening to "Cannibal" by Kesha and I was like, "Okay, so I'll make Madge like some bitchy girl who toys with Peeta's feelings and breaks his heart." I did not succeed.**

**Please enjoy! Or don't, I guess. :/**

**-Prophe C:**


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